JAKE GYLLENHALL IS THE PRINCE OF PERSIA

JAKE GYLLENHALL IS THE PRINCE OF PERSIA

Jakey G is the Pommy belter with delts that don't quit in the new Mike Newell directed popcorn mega SFX movie based on the video game PRINCE OF PERSIA.  The English accents could have caused it to be called The Pom Of Persia.

They could have called it Parkour With A Vengeance but – where's Bruce Willis when you need him?

The movie rocks along like a thirsty camel in a dust storm.  Lots of action, lost of blades, lots of snakes.  It's heaven for herpetologists.

Ben Kingsley looked a lot like Ming The Merciless in the campy old Flash Gordon film (Queen did the theme song).  He's just a divine actor and played it well.  Eyeliner suits him.

The production style of the film is like The Mummy – but not as funny.  Not a bad thing cos this isn't a comedy.

At the beginning of the movie, the old king gives a kid an apple – the look on his face seemed to indicate he would have rather had an ipad but what're ya gonna do?

Gemma Arteton was every bit the Persian Princess with a Joan Of Arc grandeur.

But the real scene stealer is Alfred Molina who plays a kind of Don King Of The Desert.  He runs the Valley Of The Slaves – looks more like the Nimbin Of The Middle East.

Some cool characters pop up – Hassassins.  The clue here is – the 'H' is silent 😉

The story is a quest – a reverse Excalibur and with not so much a Spear but a Dagger Of Destiny.  (And a Dagger Of Exposition too.  Handy huh.)  

Time travel can happen at the push of a button – nice modern touch.  I guess.  I started to think of the Dagger as some kind of ancient yet futuristic Rolex as it paradoxically seemed to run not on batteries but sand.  And like sand through an hour glass – when it moves, so does time itself.  Handy for getting out of trouble spots – bad for boiling eggs if you like the whites firm and the yolks runny – which I do.

At no point did anyone call the Dagger 'my precious' or dispose of it at Mordor – but the trademarks of an epic mystical hero's journey are all there.

Jakey G's character is called Prince Dastan – but I could have sworn someone called him 'Prince Datsun' at one stage.

Big screen adventure for the modern fantasy-loving escapist.

Would love to have seen a magic carpet – that's one of the greatest inventions to come out of Middle Eastern mythology.  I'd get on a waitlist for one of those babies before an ipad for sure!