8 Ways To Stop Leaky Nude Pix & Your Bits Going All Viral Jennifer Lawrence

8 Ways To Stop Leaky Nude Pix & Your Bits Going All Viral Jennifer Lawrence

So Jennifer Lawrence’s bits are displayed on small screens instead of her talents on the big screen.  
The media goes into a Fukushima-sized meltdown.  

Can everyone just cut the disproportionate outrage?  

It’s insulting to Jennifer and all women to treat people simply as victims.  There are smarter, kinder and more supportive ways for the rubber-necking proletariat to chow down in the media feeding frenzy that involves some famous skin in an era of fingertip-porn and the myth of privacy.

And it’s not with a ‘poor, little Jen Law’ attitude or ‘shock, horror – it’s The Invasion Of The Privacy Snatchers’.

Get a grip.

Whoever said ‘what goes on the internet stays on the internet’ is wrong.

I’m someone affected by lewd photos no longer being available on the internet.  It was devastating for reasons not obvious.

In the 90s, a couple of guys asked me if they could start a Renée Brack fan site.  Yeah, we were all surprised but what the hell.  They asked me about my favourite pizza toppings, what I liked in a guy, my favourite colour etc.  A while later, I got a call letting me know nude pix of me were online.

I was dubious as I’m pretty clever about that stuff. 

Then – I found them.

OMG.

They were great.

Someone had photoshopped my head onto naked female bodies that were stunning and perfect in terms of that limited magazine definition of beauty.

It gave me something to deny, something to fake modesty about, yet still know I was telling the truth – that wasn’t me in those photos.

What was even better – no one believed me.

Then months later, I went looking for them again.

Gone, baby, gone.

🙁  Damn.  I got serious serendipitous milage out of those fake nude pix.

They must be somewhere on the interwebs…

So before everyone takes their eyes off what’s really happening in the world to eyerape America’s Latest It Girl’s private photo collection – and without her express permission, it is a form of rape – here are:

#8WaysToMinimizeLeakyNudePix and your bits getting all viral [ick].

1 Choose your camera carefully – preferably not one connected to the internet.

2 Get clued up about how cloud storage works. Your bits are private. A cloud is public. Look up in the sky.

3 Instruct your PR team to remove #nudepix & #sextape from your spin-doctored career plan.

4 Go retro with a #polaroidcamera, take pix with a partner then make a pact & burn them with combined pubic hair (if any) to seal the deal. Refer #AngeAndBillyBobBlood.

5 Forget photos & go live.  Plug a video camera into a TV then star in and simultaneously watch your own live porno – don’t record it.

6 Keep your face out of nude pix. Wear a mask.  But if your ego can’t stand anonymity, wear a mask of your own face.

7 Get your PR team to photoshop your precious star-face onto nude bodies & then spin-doctor it as proof that all the nude pix of you are fakes.

8 Show some guts and just own up to the nude pix scandal you had a hand – and other body parts – in creating.  Own the situation. With all the really important happenings in the world, learn a lesson & help the world move on.

In theory, people have the right to privacy and they also have the right to compromise that right with their own choices and actions.

There are laws to protect privacy and there are people who break those laws.  There aren’t special ‘JLaws’ for stars.


*** There appears to be a camera with lights under her dress way back at the Oscars…

Damage can be accurately assessed on case by case basis.  Don’t belittle #JenLaw by treating her as weak or a victim. Anyone who can pull off one of Hollywood’s greatest fears and come up trumps to a standing ovation is obviously a strong person.  She’s fallen before and seconds later, was holding an Oscar  [crap quality but it’s short and cuts to the chase]:

Respect her for her strength, don’t pity her and reduce her to something she isn’t – a victim.  It’s insulting to assume she can’t handle this and that she needs you bleating about it from a pious soapbox.

Her Oscar win underlines her status as a Supreme Queen Of Drama – not an insipid drama queen

Don’t undermine her ability to plug a leaky nude pix scandal with aplomb.  After all, the biggest hunger game of them all just got a big boost – the Fame Game.


Predictably, the #JenLawLeakyNudePhotos will become #ToiletPaperEntertainment.  We grab at some pristine bog roll – all fresh to the touch for a short moment, then we use it to wipe our dirty feelings on and then we flush it away because very quickly it’s all icky.  We have no more use for it.

Ok.  Bored now.

Anything else important going on in the world?